The Shryne City Post

OK!!!!!!!! FINE!!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

We are re-instituting the Shryne City Post. But, You all need to behave yourself this time around. No more riot inducing posts or personal attacks against me.

Play nice,

Your Mayor

Area Nurse Exposes Shryne Cities' Most Dangerous Places For Kids To Play

2007-12-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

My name is Teresa Sanders and I am an Emergency Room Nurse at Shryne City General Hospital. Over the years I have treated many of the area's children in our emergency room. This summer I have compiled a list of the most dangerous areas in the city. I am not telling parents to avoid these areas, I just want to push stronger parental supervision. Here is the list:

-The Fifth Street Cul-De-Sac= It may seem like a harmless decline, but to the untrained bike rider, the curbs could pose a threat for injury.

-The Shalom Nursing Home= Parents should use caution when visiting relatives here. Doctors have diagnosed a few of the residents to have what they call "aggression issues".

- The Shryne City Soccer Park= It has been at least 15 years since routine maintanence has been performed on the soccer goals. The wear and tear on the goals pose a serious threat for goalkeepers.

-McDonalds on 3rd Street=OK parents, this place should be avoided at all cost, due to numerous health code violations along with cases of physical and mental customer abuse.

Memo from Mc Donald's Corporate Office

2007-12-04T21:18:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Store #7696.4 Management,

We are sending this e-mail in regards to a few complaints we have received by our Customer Care Line. First of all, the sheer mass of calls within the past month is staggering. When a customer is willing to wait over 20 minutes for the "next available operator" to file a complaint, we see this as a problem.

Here are a few policy violations that came up:

- Employee appearance must meet company standards. We have let a few facial piercings slide by, but we have to draw the line at the facial tattoos that are on your two cashiers. The girl with the Last Supper tattooed on her forehead should not have even had an interview.

- All electronic devices must be kept in lockers. It is a proven fact that cellphone conversations interrupt the flow of a fast food business. Also, i-pods interfere with customer communication, especially the drive-thru cashiers.

-I would like to know why all of the Happy Meal toys keep dissapearing.

- This next incident was caught on our security camera:

- We have also placed security cameras behind the dumpster to enforce our "soon to be strict" drug policies.

-The McPlayland area will be closed off due to pending toxicology testing.

We will be stopping by at the end of the week to conduct a mandatory staff meeting. Hopefully we can settle a few of these issues.

By the way, everyone in the company is gearing up for the return of the McRib sandwich. I know your store may not be prepared for this so we will hold training sessions next week.

Simon Schuester

Regional Manager

"Total Underground Beats"- An S-City Music Institution

2007-12-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

There is no doubt that over the past 30 years in Shryne City, no company has had to endure industry hardships as much as the TUB (Total Underground Beats). Just take a look at what this music store had to endure: Disco, Hair Metal, Boy Bands, and Richard Marx. Through the darkest ages in music history The TUB has always been a beacon of light for people who are too cool for corporate music.

"And that is who our target customers are", says second generation owner Ray Hilt. "We know that when you walk into The TUB, it is like making a social statement. You are saying to the music industry hey man, don't tell me what music is cool. I've got a mind of my own you capitalist jackhole."

Even during the iPod age, Ray still manages to stay afloat while music stores like Sam Goody, Camelot, and Virgin have shut it's doors. "It's a perfect example on how the music industry has cannibalized themselves. Which is great for my store because where else would you be able to find legends like Frank Black, Matthew Sweet, or My Life With the Thrill Kill Cult? You sure won't find them online because cool acts like the aforementioned aren't exactly on the playlists of your average Ridalin slammin, Red Bull Chuggin teenager."

Even the employees have that snobby "whatever" vibe that are prevalent in many independent music stores. Ray states, "I take pride in hiring a staff that could care less what you think is cool, because 90% of the time, a customer's definition of cool is usually crap. Our job is to tell you what is cool and make your music listening enjoyable by our standards." TUB employees refused comments, I'm guessing because of my Winger T-shirt.

Nonetheless, The TUB has proven itself as the sole survivor of a dying breed. There really isn't any cometition for them, since the whole Wal Mart episode. So, if you are in the mood to listen to some "Brooks and Dunn", please don't come here. Seriously, somebody was stupid enough to come into the store and ask where the country section was. Let's just say that it did not end pretty.